Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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