I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
