and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
