Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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