I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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