I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
