btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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