i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
