I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
