You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
