I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
