sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
