I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
