my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
