Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
