tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
