i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
