Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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