I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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