I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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