All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
