I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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