Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
