She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
