Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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