remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
