Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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