Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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