Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
