So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
