Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
