What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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