He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
