I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
