Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
