Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
