i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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