Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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