i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Life is so much better after having sex.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
