hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
