ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
