I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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