Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
