When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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