Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Randomize
