dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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