Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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