tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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