They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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