So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
