Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
