as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize