I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
