So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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