well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
