I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
