what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And then my night got REAL pukey
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize