and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
