guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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