It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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