I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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