John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
